My TV Boyfriends

I am the single girl. I’ve been the single girl my entire adult life. It’s like it’s become part of my identity. So much so that when people ask me if I’m seeing someone, I almost laugh, like it’s an absolutely absurd question. My response is usually something along the lines of: “I’m just waiting for one of my TV boyfriends to show up.”

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I don’t ever want someone in my life. But it’s also not something I need. I’ve never been one to search it out and I don’t enjoy or partake in the dating game. I always thought it would happen naturally, organically. Then I blinked and was in my mid-thirties. Plus, the older I get the more of an introverted homebody I’ve become. And let’s be honest, at 36 I’m pretty set in my ways. I live my life the way I want; I have my priorities straight; I’m comfortable in my own skin, and I know what I like and what makes me happy.

Going out on dates that feel like job interviews do not make me happy. I know some people find that exciting; I just find it anxiety-filled, awkward and uncomfortable. Then there are the dating apps. The endless, tedious, and exhausting swiping left and right with just a photo and maybe a sentence to judge someone off of. No sentence? No thanks. Shirtless mirror selfie? Hard pass. Photo of you and an animal you killed? No way. I’ll never understand how people don’t get carpal tunnel doing this.

My TV boyfriends, however, make me happy. I love escaping into fun new worlds and seem to have no issue falling in love with pretend characters and their make-believe stories. There are the Boy Next Door’s: Luke Danes (I think my mom might have an even bigger crush on Luke than I do) and Jim Halpert. The Silly Son of a B’s: Nick Miller and Wade Kinsella. The Comedy Relief of the Crime Shows: Marty Deeks and Tony Dinozzo (My dad pretends he’s annoyed by Tony, but really I think he’d like them to be best buds). The Hottie McHottie’s: Oliver Queen and Steve McGarrett. And the Real Lifers: Chip Gaines and Jimmy Fallon. I mean some of these relationships go way back. We’re talking Zack Morris and Randy Taylor here.

It wasn’t until a real-life encounter with one of these TV fella’s that my sweet little fantasy world shattered. Not one of these guys specifically, but a very well-known actor whose name shall not be spoken. In fact, let’s call him Voldemort. I met Voldemort during a meet and greet after an event and we got to chatting. He had talked about being a homebody of sorts so of course, I had to be all: “Hey, me too!” We mentioned our pets; I talked about the band-aid on my finger (I said I was awkward); gave him a hug, and as I was leaving he said to shoot him a DM on Instagram that night.

So, I did. And, he responded. I asked to see pictures of his dog and he said we should grab a drink and that he’d show me. I started texting my friends frantically.

Me: What do I do?
Friend 1: Are you kidding me.
Friend 2: Say yes Kate.
Friend 3: ******* do it, Kate.
Friend 2: Be breezy.
Friend 3: Sorry for the language but this is serious.
Friend 3: Breezy is key.
Friend 3: She’s gone radio silent on us.
Friend 3: *Kate currently thinking of 85 excuses to not go*
Me: You guys I’m fra-eeking out.
Friend 2: Get in your car.
Me: I’m gonna throw up.
Friend 2: Yep. Do it. Zero doubt.
Me: For real though this is nuts.
Friend 2: This is nuts. But it’s happening.
Friend 1: My brain will explode if you are sitting with Voldemort just having a drink.
Friend 3: Literally have not stopped smiling and laughing like a 13 yr old since this convo started.

So, I got in my car and left my house to go have a drink with Voldemort. There were many emotions — I was excited, giddy, nervous, and about to puke. I mean I always joked that I was waiting for one of my TV boyfriends to show up and here it was actually happening. Like, IRL. I’ve watched this guy for years. Normal guys don’t ask me out and then this happens? It must have been slim pickings at that event.

Friend 2: She’s in the car. Over.
Friend 3: Yessssss. This is the best night of my life.
Friend 2: It really is. IT IS!
Me: I am breezy. Putting out the vibe at the bar.
Friend 2: Feels right.
Friend 1: Yes. Lloyd Christmas. Play it cool.

All that to say, I was back in my car in a matter of minutes…

The timing was unfortunate in that the bar was closing right around the time I got there. But even had that not been the case, I’m not sure the situation would have transpired any differently. In my mind, I was meeting this intriguing, famous, funny guy for a drink and a conversation. Once in a lifetime opportunity here. In his mind, I was there for one reason only. It became evident quite quickly and when I informed him that THAT, was not going to happen… Boy, was he baffled. I mean dumbfounded. And not pleased.

I laughed about it at first. It all happened so quickly I was in a delirious daze. Then came the other feels. I felt embarrassed, stupid, naïve and ridiculous for not realizing, and for even getting myself into that situation in the first place (Note to self: upon agreeing to enter a man’s hotel room, he may expect more than a casual chat). Not to mention icky. I felt icky. He could not have picked a more opposite girl for what he was looking for.

It’s as if it were all a dream. Sometimes I have to double-check to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating the whole thing. Anyway, I don’t regret getting off my couch and taking the chance. I mean, I don’t plan to ever be asked out by a celebrity again so there’s that. Even though it turned out to be massively disappointing; I would have always wondered. While I still have my TV crushes and admire some of the traits that these characters have; how they treat their family and friends; how they make me laugh; how they look at the girl they love… I am acutely aware that the actors themselves may be nothing of the sort.

I know people think I’m a weirdo for not really dating. Honestly, sometimes I feel like a weirdo. But for the most part, I never worried much about it. I’m told that I’m going to have to put forth some effort to meet someone eventually. Or at least leave my house. Or actually respond to the guys on the apps. But I remain steadfast in that when it’s meant to be, it’ll be. And while I’ve never actually seen it happen, I choose to believe that I could have that meet-cute moment in the middle of Target. Someday I’d like a guy who enhances my life, who just fits. I’m not willing to waste loads of time or accept anything less. So — should a kind, silly, genuine, loving and honest cutie come along — well, we’ll talk. Probably awkwardly. Until then, or until I feel the need to make that effort, I’m cool being the single girl with the TV boyfriends.